Understanding
by Sery
Summary: “What are you thinking?” His deep voice startled me and I felt him tightening his grip on my waist. “Nothing, Sasuke,” I lied. “Let’s make it something than.” [KakaSaku] [SasuSaku]


This is Sakura's POV of 'Naruto's Party'. It ain't necessary to have read that too or have read it before reading this, but it could give you a helpful insight of Kakashi's thoughts...

Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own Naruto.

* * *

Was he looking at us? From the corners of my eyes I saw him sitting there, at the very end of what had to be an imaginary dance floor, reclining on a steady stem of a big tree. What in the hell did he think he was doing? Such a fool he was – no – such a pervert. And he was really a weird one. Instead of gloating at half dressed and nearly naked women he was reading his damn Icha Icha pocketbook. 

I sighed at the sight of my ex-sensei. He'd changed.

'Like I have.'

"What are you thinking?"

His deep voice startled me and I felt him tightening his grip on my waist.

"Nothing, Sasuke," I lied.

"Let's make it something than."

His grip on my waist tightened even more as he pressed my body flush against his. I'd never experienced this playful behavior of him, nor had I any idea how to react. And when I was unsure I tried to make it off with a joke or with my laughter.

"Sasuke…"

He cut me off by pressing a chaste kiss on my lips, leaving me speechless. He smirked; satisfied about something I'd no clue of. He was staring at me intensely with his dark eyes.

"What?"

My throat was constricted but somehow I managed to get that single word out of my mouth thought with much difficulty. He didn't reply at all at my question at first, forcing me to think he hadn't heard me, but after a while he shook his head.

"Nothing."

He sounded distant, deep in thought. In a moment he'd suddenly changed and become the old, distant Sasuke again. But this time I'd experienced this mood of his before and knew to let him for a while with his own thoughts.

And me with my own thoughts.

We were dancing on the short mown grass, the music was loud and fast. The perfect music to dance on. Ino knew exactly which songs were perfect for dancing on a party. I thanked God that Naruto had been wise enough to not chose the tracks himself, since it was his party, but to ask Ino instead. Hinata didn't have much knowledge about good dance music, though she knew some damn well slow-jamz I liked too.

Naruto had done good to start an affaire with Hinata. They were nearly every time together – they'd even started to live together – and seemed to be happy together. I was happy for both of them, though sometimes I felt jealous because I'd to share my dear friend with another girl. I wondered if I would've to share Kakashi with someone else some day.

My eyes moved over to him again. He was still sitting alone with his dirty orange-colored book. How would it feel if Kakashi would've someone he loved? The same as with Naruto, I knew, the feeling would be only more intense. He'd always been alone, I'd never seen him taking interest in someone since the very beginning of our training as Team Seven. Maybe he'd had some one-night-stands but he never seemed to be serious about them. Why did he intend on spending his whole life alone?

And why did I care anyway?

Lately he'd been often in my head. A little too often, more than was necessary. And I'd been feeling guilty, but I'd been angry too.

Guilty because since Sasuke had been brought back one year ago I hadn't cared about Kakashi. I'd been so busy with Sasuke, he'd been badly injured and I'd been working hard day and night so he would recover soon. Kakashi had to understand this, understand me, but apparently he didn't. I couldn't blame him, though.

I'd been unfair to him.

_– _

_It had been two weeks ago since Sasuke had been brought back to Konoha in a very critical condition. It was known by all people now that Sasuke had escaped from the claws of Orochimaru and afterwards had defeated his elder brother Itachi. But before dying he'd hit him up very badly and if Kakashi and Naruto hadn't been there on time, he might have been dead now. I shivered at the thought and tried to ban it from my mind._

_He was back now, I couldn't express how happy but anxious I'd been when they brought him in. I'd been overworking in the hospital to keep my mind occupied and had nearly passed out when I finally saw him. He'd been laid on a stretcher and his body and clothes had been covered with his blood and Itachi's. But now he was much better to my relief._

_I was currently standing in a queue in front of the till at the greengrocer's. Exactly now when I was in such a hurry it had to be busy at the shop. As if everyone in Konoha had just remembered to buy some fresh fruit and healthy vegetables._

_I looked into my basket inspecting if I had everything. Four apples, a bunch of grapes, two bunches of bananas and a few peaches. They were all meant for Sasuke, so that he would recover soon. Well, soon if I got there before four o'clock. I'd to do some work in the hospital. Tsunade-sama would kill me if the reports weren't ready today. I'd never disappointed her, nor did I intend on doing so anytime soon._

_I checked my watch for the umpteenth time. A quarter to four and two people to go before it was finally my turn. Maybe I should just skip my appointment with Sasuke. But I'd promised him…_

_Impatiently I waited as the girl behind the register weighed everything and recounted the money I'd to pay._

_"Here, and keep the change!"_

_I seized the plastic bags wherein my acquires were, ready to sprint to the hospital. But in my way out I bumped into something that was green. It was a green vest._

_"Oh, I'm sorry, I –"_

_I lifted my head to say his lone eye staring down at me with some amusement in it._

_"Kakashi! What a surprise to see you here! Since when did you start to eat vegetables and fruits?"_

_I wanted to poke him playfully in his stomach but the bags prevented me from doing that._

_I'd forgotten momentarily about my purchases and the reason why I had been in such a hurry when I'd bumped into him and recognized who he was. I'd been so distracted and lost in my own thoughts that I hadn't seen him nor had even smelled his scent. It had always been his strong and masculine scent that always intruded my senses and thoughts. I could've smelled him if he was a few meters away, but apparently not now._

_Later on I would realize how much I missed that._

_"Sakura! How is Sasuke doing?" He didn't sound very interested but I didn't care to take careful notice of this. _

_"O, well, he's much better now, he's improving every day. But I've to go now. He's waiting for me!" I saw him open his mouth as I passed him by swiftly before he could utter a reply or I could stop myself. _

_"Sorry, sensei, see you soon!" I shouted over my shoulder not sure if he'd even heard me. But then it had been Sasuke that only mattered to me. _

_– _

There'd been another few times when he'd come to the hospital to see me, but I'd never paid much attention to him as Sasuke was requiring all. In the evenings and nights I was too tired to look anyone up, not even Ino. But they all came regularly to meet me and Sasuke. Since Kakashi hated hospital he was rarely there to look us up. But now I realized that when he did it was because of us… or maybe only me.

That had been terribly sweet of him, but I – such a fool – didn't care to take notice of it. But had it been so difficult to understand that I still cared about Sasuke? He still meant the world to me, though not the universe for me as when I had been twelve.

My feelings had increased for him over the past few years of his absence, at least, I believed. And I only realized this when I'd been putting so much effort into Sasuke's recovery. But I couldn't claim that he had quickly recovered because of me.

My help had been nothing and everything.

All of a sudden I felt sad, not knowing it was because of Sasuke or Kakashi or just me. I wanted to lie my head on my ex-sensei's shoulder. But I was here, in the arms of my lover, and he was there with his book. Only a few meters away, but actually at the other side of the world again. I could just step to him, make him feel guilty, blame him for not caring about me, blame him that he made me sad and feel guilty –

I'd to stop thinking about him.

This was a point where I always stopped, not dared to muse about it any longer. I shouldn't feel guilty and deceived, but somehow I felt. So I forced my attention on Sasuke again. Well, I was sure that at least he wouldn't hurt me – not again – on purpose. You could say that he'd changed dramatically but he was at the same time still the old twelve-year-old Sasuke. He'd matured and grown and was more open to us. He'd finally acknowledged and accepted Naruto and me. Even my love for him.

My love was still pure for him, only so now and then it felt…

Hollow…

Empty…

Lacking…

When I lifted my head to look at Sasuke again, I saw him staring at me with a strange look on his face.

"What?" I asked as I felt my face heat up under his gaze. When would I stop blushing around him? God…

"You aren't listening to me," he accused me.

"O sorry, I was just –"

"Its okay, Sakura." He grinned. "I didn't know it could be so easy to make you feel guilty." I didn't know whether it was his voice or what he'd said or what I'd been thinking that made me flare up.

"No, it's not!" I said hotly.

"But you can correct this mistake…" He said as he glanced away from me.

He was avoiding a discussion. And he was often good at that, but not as good as Kakashi. I chanced a glance at my ex-sensei, but he was still occupied with his damn book. From the corners of my eyes I saw Genma coming up to him. They greeted and then he slid down next to the copy-nin. Well, there was finally someone there to keep him company (books didn't comply).

I tilted my head and looked at Sasuke again through hooded eyes, deciding to play along with him.

"Oh, and how do you want me to correct my mistake?"

He stared long at me with a mysterious – or maybe mischievous – look in his eyes at me. Testing me again. Acting bored I looked evenly back at him, or at least tried to, but actually wanted to melt down in a puddle next to his feet on the grass. He pulled me closer to him bending his head next to my ear. His breathing on my ear and neck sent shivers down my spine. I wished he hadn't notice, knowing it was futile as he wouldn't have missed that.

"I want you to stay tonight with me," he whispered.

"You know I am," I sighed. We'd been here in this party for a few hours and I thought he was talking about our time in the party.

"Promise?"

"Yes, Sasuke."

"No lies?"

"No," I said impatiently feeling that I was missing the point completely as I stared at him with knitted eyebrows.

"Good." He looked in my eyes again. "Didn't know it was so easy to get you in my bed tonight. Or maybe we should spend the night in yours? Your house is much closer than –"

"What are you talking about? I never agreed to this."

He just kept smirking at me. "You promised," he replied shortly.

"Sasuke… you're being mean now!"

"You agreed yourself."

"I was thinking about something else… I –"

Suddenly I saw in my rage the look in his eyes.

Dark… lustful…

Why was I objecting?

I'd always dreamt about making long, passionate love to Sasuke. Why was I than reacting like this? Had I changed? Did I want someone else now?

"Okay, than we can do it here too."

Before the words were even fully registered in my mind or I could even think about what to reply I was stunned by him, feeling his hand on my thigh – under my dress – stroking gently small patterns. While his head was now buried between my neck and shoulder leaving there a trail of hot openmouthed kisses and soft bites and nips.

My eyes instantly fell on the faces of the people around us trying to spot someone watching us.

"Please stop Sasuke-kun. I – ahh… Ok, ok you win, I giv –"

He cut me short with a kiss on my lips. His mouth had left my throat to my relief but I was still disappointed – or turned on – that his hand was still stroking my thigh relentlessly.

He had guts…

"Hmm, where do you wanna go, Sakura. Somewhere where we won't get disturbed…"

"I don't know," I replied, too distracted to understand what he'd just said. I looked up at him and to lighten the mood between us I giggled.

Or tried to in vain.

"Sakura…"

I looked up at him, suddenly seeing him staring intensely at me with a serious look on his face.

"You don't need to if you don't want it or are not ready yet. I'll wait for your decision. We've no hurry." He stroked with his thumb over my cheek.

"But… I –"

"It's okay."

He silenced me with a long kiss on my lips. Reassuring me. I didn't know what to say. I knew he felt disappointed, had heard it in his voice. Maybe he was cursing himself now, thinking about what a prude I actually was. If he'd had Ino as a girlfriend they would've had sex on their first date. Even Hinata wasn't a virgin anymore. With Naruto as boyfriend it was hard to keep your virginity intact.

I'd made my decision. Tonight would be our night, my first time – our first time together. It had to be memorable.

Maybe I could get Kakashi off of my head too than.

"No, Sasuke-kun. I want to do it with you tonight. I – I love you."

I felt his hands tense around my waist. Slowly I looked up at him. He was staring down at me with a blank expression on his face. I hated it when he looked at me like that. I didn't know what he was thinking, but moreover he reminded me of Kakashi as he too was always unreadable.

"Hey forehead-girl!"

I'd never been so glad before to hear my rival's voice. We stopped dancing as he let go of my waist. I saw the blonde making her way through the dancing crowd to us.

"Hey Ino-pig!" I laughed to free the tension from my body and face. Sadly for not too long.

"I'm going to Naruto." He said tonelessly and turned.

I thought he was about to walk away with that, but it seemed to be that he wasn't satisfied with that, as I suddenly felt his breath on my ear again.

"You promised."

With that he was gone, swallowed in the crowd.

"So dirty dancing with your boyfriend, huh?"

I should've known that she would never let an opportunity like this to embarrass me just pass away.

"Can you never think about something else than sex, can you?"

"That's why I'm so hot and you're not." Ino stated simply as we walked out of the crowd to a quieter place. At least as quiet as it could get with Ino and those music boxes.

"So, forehead, tell me..."

Ino turned to me as we halted at the rim of the lawn, standing next to a small tributary. Seeing that mischievous twinkle in her eyes I knew so well, I knew right away that what she wanted me to tell was not something I would like to give away to her so easily or without any humiliation. I guessed it would be the last one. We held, almost than, no secrets for each other. And she really _loved_ it to see me embarrassed.

"How does Sasuke fuck ye?"

"Ino!"

"Come on, forehead-girl, I'm your _best_ friend, you can tell me. You know, there are some guys who get turned on when they _fucking_ hurt you. Considering his past I was just thinking, you know, and I got worried about you. I had once a boyfriend who fucking hurt me every time we had sex. After two days I told him to fuck himself and enjoy the pain. My story aside, how does he fuck you?" Ino reiterated her question again.

My cheeks were starting to burn.

"Ino, stop this –"

"Easy girl, stop stuttering and blushing. I'm asking how your boyfriend fucks you, not how someone else fucked you."

"Can you stop saying that word."

"What?" she asked a little confused.

"…fuck…"

"Ah…well, whatever… okay but apart from that –"

"And how could you even say that I would make love to someone else than Sasuke." I demanded hotly.

"Do you wanna bet that someday soon you are gonna fuck someone else while having an affaire with Sasuke-_kun_?" Ino said – no stated – with a self-sufficient smile.

"Ino-pig, will you stop talking this nonsense right now? Or I'm going and I'll forget you're my _best_ friend," I said annoyed and angry turning away from her.

How could she even think this and dared to ask it me? As if she was predicting – no knew the future. She was the right type of girl to do something like that. I'd heard so many of her wild stories about her one-night-stands that they'd started to bore me. I would never do a thing like that, she knew damn well how much I loved Sasuke and would never ever betray him.

Never.

"Okay, girl, but heed my words." Ino said with a serious face, then applying a big grin on her face.

I rolled my eyes and quickly switched over to another less embarrassing subject.

"Ino, have you seen Naruto?"

"No, Sakura… why, you aren't leaving are you?" Ino asked with her high raised eye brows, acting worried about me. Was I sick?

"No… not yet. I just wanted to thank him for this wonderful evening."

Ino laughed loudly and as always never let an opportunity to get me embarrassed pass away. "I think you should thank Sasuke!" Ino replied gaily.

I blushed a crimson red. Damn, why did every Ino's comment made about Sasuke make me blush?

"Ino, you're just too much." I was now really annoyed now and wondered why I had been so happy to see my rival-friend when I was with Sasuke.

_"You promised." _

O, yes, I remembered it again. Still, I preferred to be with Sasuke right now rather than Ino as she was being too irritating now. But her next remark surprised me. Not because something she said was new or exciting, but because there was here someone else too noticing and thinking about _him_.

"Don't you think Kakashi-san is a little weird?"

'A little weird is an understatement,' I thought looking in the same direction as Ino was.

"Hasn't he been for the whole party with that porn book? O, wait, Genma-san is there too, but they don't talk much. His nose is just buried in that book. Maybe someone should go to get his attention..."

At first I thought she was telling me to go there, but turning my head and seeing a sly smile on her face and her eyes twinkling wickedly made me quickly rethink about that.

"Ino! What the hell are you thinking!"

"Nothing I shouldn't," she said brazenly.

I sighed.

Why did I care?

I turned away from Ino, staring at my reflection on the surface of the small river. A girl with shoulder-length hair was staring back at me, wearing a stunning tight silver dress. But the sad look on her face, didn't fit in the image.

I couldn't deny this anymore.

I missed him.

More than I liked.

Much more than I wanted to admit.

Why was he being like this to me? What in the hell had I done wrong; where had I gone wrong? Why was he avoiding me always?

Why?

A deep pain was settling in my heart again, that clenching feeling was there again that wouldn't leave as I thought about _us_. Watching him I remembered vaguely how his behavior had been in the whole party towards me as Ino was chattering along but I wasn't listening to her as always.

_– _

_He was standing at the end of the lawn, staring at the houses in the village. This lawn was the only place in Konoha that had so much greenery. It was other than the grounds where the teams trained, as there were not so many different types of flowers blooming and trees like here. I thought it was the perfect place to keep a party and barbecue. Everyone was enjoying their evening here with the cool summer wind. But it seemed that the one who'd thrown this party, the host, wasn't enjoying himself as he should have been. _

_He was being worried about someone who didn't care about others and was just a selfish person, I thought grimly as I neared the fair-haired boy. _

_"He isn't coming, Naruto," I said softly, laying a hand on his shoulder._

_For the party he was wearing something else than his usual orange vest and pants. He'd replaced them for a dashing blue shirt_ _and a pair of expensive, black denims he'd bought along with Sasuke. He looked dashing in it and pretty handsome. Hinata had nearly fainted when she'd seen him, I thought with a small smile playing on my lips._

_"I told him just yesterday that he _had_ to come. I know he rarely goes to parties or ceremonials, but I'd thought he could make an exception for me."_

_He really sounded hurt to my dismay. Kakashi-sensei just about knew exactly how he should screw things up. He was really good at that, damn good. Had he one chance to make things better between him and his three ex-students, but he spoilt it again._

_"He _has_ to come. He will come."_

_Naruto bald his fists next to sides._

_"It's too late now, he isn't coming. Come, enjoy your party. Hinata and the others are waiting for you."_

_I'd lost every hope of him coming. The party had started three hours ago and everyone had been here for over an hour. The only one who was left over in the village was – of course excluding the guards – Kakashi. It was too late now. I didn't believe that he could still be coming after three hours._

_So I tried to persuade Naruto, not able to seem him here like this, waiting for a no one. But he remained staying there firmly, alone. Seeing that he wouldn't come and my actions were futile, I left him and went back to Sasuke and Hinata._

_When I turned my head after ten minutes to look at Naruto _–_ or was it in the hope that _he_ would've finally come? _–_ I saw to my astonishment that he was talking with no one else but the silver haired man who'd been our teacher and actually still was. He was scratching the back of his head what had to be his apology. He really never changes, I thought while shaking my head slightly._

_Slowly but for sure the anger I'd against him crept up again in me, replacing the astonishment and happiness of his arrival. I walked up to them, finally seeing a big grin on Naruto's face. But as I neared them, I sensed again for what I'd been fearing. My approach made Kakashi tense as he was standing now painfully rigid, what was definitely not his normal slouched stance._

_When I reached the two, halting next to Naruto's side and watching carefully every movement of Kakashi, it seemed that they were just ready with their small talk. Naruto turned his face to me, a big smile still displaying his features. Even now when I didn't felt like to I smiled back at him._

_"Sakura-chan, look! Hadn't I told you that he would come! He couldn't say no to me!"_

_Just ten minutes ago he hadn't been so sure about that, I thought dryly turning my head to our ex-sensei again. But well, I couldn't blame him though, no one could be sure about_ Kakashi-sensei.

_"Yeah, I see that," I said without any enthusiasm._

_I could swear that he arched his eyebrow on that statement for a split second, but he concealed it too soon to be sure about it._

_As always he was now too wearing his black trousers with his green vest. I wondered if he had any other clothing, or was just too lazy to put on something more informal or at least casual for a party. He looked still the same as he was six years ago when I'd first met him. Maybe he too knew how to keep himself young as Tsunade-sama._

_Before I could say anything to make him feel ashamed, Sasuke and Hinata turned up behind us._

_"Kakashi-sensei..."_

_Sasuke too seemed to be surprised to see him, but a small smile on his lips betrayed that he was happy seeing the copy-ninja._

_"Ah, Sasuke, how are you doing?"_

_"Yo, Kakashi! Get your ass down here!" _

_We all turned to see who'd interrupted our team-talk. Genma was beckoning to Kakashi to come._

_"Sorry guys, I think someone is calling me... I'll be around."_

_With that he left us suddenly, not turning around. No wave, no wink. It even seemed to be that he was happy to be out of there. He could've told Genma he would be coming in five or ten minutes but instead he walked away, ignoring our presence._

_Though neither Naruto nor Sasuke seemed to really notice that. Kakashi had talked to them, even it had been a little. _

_He'd ignored me completely._

_– _

I turned away from the river, as my eyes burned with unshed tears. I looked at the direction again where he'd just been sitting. But to my surprise he wasn't there now anymore. My eyes searched for the one who'd brought me this pain and finally located him near a stand where you could get yourself something to drink. Where he was standing you could get some sake. I hadn't expected him to drink something else.

I was feeling something I'd never felt before, had never felt it because of him.

It was jealousy.

It was strange to taste this word on my lips for my ex-sensei. I shouldn't feel it and still I felt.

The beautiful blond woman standing behind the bar, pouring the sake, was paying way too much attention to him. It was obvious that she liked him – even a blind could see that! Looking just the way she was literally gloating at him, made me feel ill.

O God, they were now staring at each other as if they were making plans through merely eye contact to bed each other.

"Hey, party people, may I have your attention please!"

I was surprised to find that the music was stopped, and the voice belonged to no other than Naruto. Tearing my eyes from the dreadful sight I turned my head to see Naruto with an unmistakable grin on his bright face. He was holding a microphone in his hand, his eyes looking around in the crowd as if in search for something or someone.

"Dear, lovely people –"

What was wrong with him? I'd never heard him like this. I wondered why he was behaving so strange, so mysterious... Well, it was his party I guessed. He could do what he wanted to. Tomorrow Tsunade-sama would give him a lecture for being so drunk and creating a scene here.

"I want to tell you all something very _special_," he paused keeping the crowd in suspense and anticipation.

"I hope for him that he has to something very special," Ino drawled next to me.

I sniffed, waiting with anticipation what he was going to say. A strange feeling was stirring in my stomach. I didn't know if it was this anticipation for what Naruto had gathered the crowd or the jealousy I was feeling for the two by the sake stand.

"I want to announce that…" he let deliberately fall a long pause again.

"… that today is taking Sasuke's and Sakura's engagement place, now!" he cheered.

With this announcement the crowd began to shout with joy, but I was too shocked to utter anything or form a small smile on my face. Now, when I was so dubious about my own feelings our engagement had been announced. There was no way out. How I even felt, this would take place tonight. I didn't have the courage in me to say that it was too quick, all of a sudden, a surprise where I just wasn't ready for yet. Not now. But I couldn't break their heart, couldn't see that terrible look on their faces.

So I walked up to them, seeing Sasuke emerging from the other side of Naruto, in front of me. We walked to Naruto, in the middle of the crowd, as I felt nothing but a strange hollow feeling in my chest. A smile was plastered on my face, a blush covering my cheeks. From the corner of my eyes I followed Kakashi. His right hand was bleeding and I vaguely wondered why as he kept emptying glass after glass.

He seemed to be very _happy_.

Something glistening in the grass near his feet caught suddenly my eye and I understood why his hand was bleeding.

Why...?

Sasuke seemed to be really happy, thoroughly, making me feel even more sad than I already was. The rings were put on quickly and we returned to dancing again, the music again roaring out of the boxes. Everyone had felicitated us, except _him_ again. Why was he being so hard? No matter how rude and quiet he could be at times, he'd never been this cold before to us.

Especially to me.

When I glanced after a few minutes again at Kakashi I saw him now talking with Anko. He seemed to be the centre of attention of two woman. Well, he at least seemed to be lucky.

Was I still happy?

Was I still fortunate to have found finally my childhood love?

"Had you and Naruto planned this a time ago?"

Sasuke sneered at me nodding his head. I smiled back at him, seeing that he seemed to be lucky. In his happiness laid mine, I thought wanting to reconcile with this situation, but couldn't unfortunately.

Not when Kakashi was standing behind me and dancing with another.

'Who else should it be than, Sakura, you?' The sly, inner Sakura asked me.

I jerked that thought off. For God's sake Sakura, he's – he was your teacher! I told myself.

'Not anymore...' The inner Sakura reasoned.

'Ah, shut up! I'm engaged. I belong to someone else now.'

But I saw that Sasuke too had noticed Kakashi-sensei next to us. His presence was killing me. I could feel the warmth of his body radiating towards mine. This was too much to bare.

Just then when I thought I couldn't stand this anymore and had to get away from him, I saw him suddnely standing rigid. Not moving completely, Anko's body pressed flush against his. I forgot momentarily about my jealousy, surprised by his sudden halt, but angry too as another thought entered my mind.

He was just doing this to hurt me, to get my attention, to embarrass me.

Tears were pricking from the umpteenth time that day behind my eyes. But as I hadn't cried for a long time, I didn't cry now too. I wouldn't let him enjoy this. At home there would be enough time and space to cry and let my tears free. But not now for everyone. Not for _Kakashi-sensei_.

I stared at his back without blinking as he dragged himself and Anko away. I was surprised to see that he still could dance with the amount of alcohol that was currently running through his veins. He'd emptied at least twelve glasses of sake into his hungry mouth.

Why had he changed so much? I thought sadly. He'd been so different just a year ago. So caring, so full of... love. Understanding. He'd been there when I'd needed him, but now he was never there. Couldn't he forgive me?

Could I forgive him?

I could.

I would forgive him eventually.

But therefore I had to get this gap – this misunderstanding – away between us.

Now.

"Uhm Sasuke, I'll be right back. I need to talk to Kakashi-sensei."

I was still staring in the direction where Kakashi had gone, not able to look at my fiancé, afraid he would see the pain and confusion on my face.

I'd let go of his shoulders and now he let go of my waist too.

"I'll see you after ten minutes at the end of the lawn near that tree. Then we'll go home." I gulped. "Together."

I hoped he would agree with that and wouldn't ask why I needed to talk so desperately with our ex-sensei. Fortunately he didn't seem to be doubtful or suspicious and didn't raise any questions.

"I'm leaving. You can come when you feel like to." He said a little sternly. Then he said softer, bending next to my ear. "I'll be waiting."

I waited for the shivers to run down my spine again, but this time they didn't. I remained painfully calm, the confusion in me only getting worse. I sighed heavily as I saw him leaving, staring at his back, as the wind played with his raven colored hair.

'Everything is gonna be all right after I've settled this between Kakashi, and I and Sasuke will finally…'

I didn't want it anymore. All I wanted right now was something else.

I wanted to talk with Kakashi again.

Make jokes with him.

Be able to poke him.

Lay my head on his shoulder when I was tired or had problems.

Share everything with him.

Why couldn't I now? Why wouldn't he let me?

These thoughts ran through my mind as I walked towards Kakashi, who was apparently busy flirting with Anko. What the hell did he saw in her? I didn't like her, and I'd told it him many times. Was it that reason why he was with her now? To hurt me?

As I stood there, behind Kakashi's back, I saw to my astonishment that he was getting completely tensed again. I was about to call him, when I suddenly heard Anko's voice.

"I'll be right back, Kakashi, there's something I've to care of." She glanced at me before looking again at the copy-nin. "Have to settle some things with Tsunade-sama." Then she was gone, swallowed in the crowd, leaving us alone.

"Kakashi-sensei." To my dismay my voice was soft and sounding hurt. Hell, I was it too! But I couldn't let him know – wouldn't let him know.

But my decision went wrong as he suddenly turned, sooner than I'd actually wanted to and all the emotions were readable on my face. He smiled at me, and looked now a little relaxed. But he was still at unease.

"Sakura –"

"So you remember my name? I was afraid you'd forget it," I spoke accusingly pouting my lips. I was trying desperately to hide my emotions.

"Of course I do. How could I forget your name? You were my favorite student," he said lightly.

His smile was hurting, the way he was taking this too blithely made me decide to ask him right away what was bothering me – had been bothering me for the last couple of months, nearly one full year! Before I would get unsure again I fired my dreading question at him.

"Why are you doing this?"

"What?" he asked like he'd no idea about what I was talking, though he knew it damn well.

"Stop ignoring me."

"I'm busy lately and –"

"I don't want to hear your lame excuses," I said, eyes blazing fire, then continued softer. "What did I do wrong?" Shit, I was getting soft again. I'd to blame him, make him feel guilty, make him feel what I was feeling. This was going wrong…

"What did we do that you won't even congratulate me and Sasuke with our engagement?"

He just scratched the back of his head indicating a sort of apology.

"You should've been the second one who felicitated us after Naruto."

"I guess," I heard him mutter.

He was doing so damn simple and tranquil about it that his behavior made my blood boil in anger. I wanted to punch him, hit him so badly up he would be lying in bed for a month, but instead I whispered harshly, trying to control my fury.

"I didn't believe it, Kakashi, but now I believe what others say about you. You're a heartless monster. You don't care a little about anyone. Not even your ex-students."

But sadly the anger soon changed in something else. This wasn't Naruto I could yell at. This wasn't just a simple problem for what I could slap him. This was something I didn't understand – something he wouldn't let me know – something I didn't want to comprehend.

Quickly I turned on my heel, just before he could catch a single tear gliding down my cheek. I choked inaudibly and whispered to myself then, cursing myself.

"I'm such a fool."

'No, Sakura no, don't cry in front of him. No.'

Before another tear slid down my cheek I was determined to get away from him. It was over between us. Our friendship, the understanding, everything between us was gone now forever. I was about to take a step, but felt to my surprise his hand on my wrist, preventing me to walk away.

A soft gasp escaped between my lips as he suddenly but gently pulled me back to him. I could feel his body heat radiating to mine. We were standing too close, my back and his chest just barely didn't brush against each other. His scent was now all around me, giving my mind no space to think coherently. This was too much to bear and still it was exactly that for what I'd been yearning. This strange, exciting sensations that would run through my body, the haze in my mind, I was loving it but detesting it too.

Because I shouldn't be feeling this.

This was why I felt guilty.

Then I felt his breathing on my ear, what made my body get tense. Vaguely I thought that I should feel this with Sasuke, not with _him_, my _ex-sensei_. I wanted to turn, but the force of his grip on my wrist was enough to let me know that he wouldn't let me.

He took a deep breath before he finally whispered into my ear as if it was a secret.

"If I was such a heartless monster, Sakura-_chan_, I would never have brought Sasuke back. Nor would I've ever hold you when you –"

'– cried.' I finished his sentence in my own mind since he didn't say it aloud.

He abruptly let go of my wrist and took a step back. I instantly missed his body heat, but remained standing there, painfully aware of what _had been_ between us and what there was _now_.

'If you cared so much, why had you let this slip away so easily?' I thought bitterly.

'Because he knew you didn't need him anymore.' Inner Sakura said.

'Then he was having it completely at the wrong end, because I need him more than anyone else.'

'Then you had to let him know that, it's your own fault now that there's no understanding anymore between you two.' Inner Sakura said slyly, clearly blaming me for everything.

And she was right. If he'd been indeed so important to me, I wouldn't have let go of him so easily. It _was_ my fault. The only one to blame was I, not him.

"I'm sorry." I choked with a nub in my throat. "I know since Sasuke has come back I haven't bothered to look you up. But you were the one I thought who understood me."

Or maybe he didn't understand me.

Or he just didn't _want_ to understand me at all.

"Why do you always act like you don't care?"

I turned around to confront him, sensing again how tense he actually was. Why was he behaving like this around me? Had I hurt him this badly?

'What is it that you won't tell me...'

"It's not necessary to show how you feel." He looked me in the eye before brusquely moving to stare at a point somewhere behind me. He continued murmuring, but resolved. "It's a weakness – love and affection – better to hide them than exhibit them."

"Does that even apply to close friends?" I tried to sound sardonic, but it came more out like a question about math that I was asking my teacher.

"Some feelings are better to remain untold, Sakura, you should know that," he said slowly, his eyes roaming my face as if in search of an unasked answer before suddenly settling on something or someone else. "I'm sure you'll understand that one day."

I bit my under lip, not daring to say that I didn't understand anything at all he'd told me.

"I need to know it now," I said firmly, all uncertainty was faded out of my countenance and voice to my own astonishment. But I knew it was now or never. It happened rarely I'd so much courage, and I'd to grasp this chance with both hands.

I saw him heave a sigh.

"I think I should leave now. You're just imagining things, Sakura."

"But I'm not imagining that you didn't bother to congratulate me or Sasuke." I sounded hurt again to my dismay.

"You know I forget a lot of things…" he began unconvincingly.

"As you have forgotten that you have a heart?" I said sardonically.

He let out a hollow, humorless laugh. Bemused I stared at him, not getting the hint about what was so funny.

"Well, congratulations with your engagement with Sasuke. I hope you two will have a beautiful life together," he said out of nowhere, when I totally hadn't expect it.

Timidly I averted my eyes from him. Then I was left amazed to feel suddenly his hand caressing my cheek after a few seconds. I tensed up, but relaxed quickly again. His touch was soothing, something I'd missed so dearly he'd no idea.

"Why don't you get married or have at least a girl friend?" I looked up at him, really concerned for him. I saw him hesitate before he finally answered, not meeting my eyes.

"Because."

Confused I stared at him. What kind of an answer was that? Why was he being like this again? What –

Suddenly it hit me. Memories came to the surface again, as for a moment I stared shocked at him, not wanting to believe it, but knew that this had to be it. That I couldn't be wrong, sadly not, as a lost memory came to the surface again.

_– _

_We had been threading through the forest, making our way to the Sand Village to deliver a certain scroll which contained secret information, when suddenly our silver haired leader halted, turning toward us. _

_"We'll have a break here. Fifteen minutes and no longer!" _

_I sighed feeling relieved to be finally able to sit after four hours of non-stop walking. I stared at Kakashi, studying his face as he was occupied with his pocket book again. What had a thirty-year-old man to do with such a book? I would've never minded if he ever paid akin attention to a female than a book. It was another aspect that I would drag him away from her right away. He would need our acquiescence first. _

_"Sakura-chan, can I borrow your ramen? I've had mine already… You can have my rice ball instead!" _

_Naruto looked at me, with a boyish smile on his face. I shook my head, not comprehending his obsession for eating ramen as I handed him over my small lunch box with the ramen in it. He greedily took it from me and was soon occupied with his food again. I looked over at Sai, who was busy studying clouds. _

_At moments like these I missed him the most. Now there was Sai here, taking his place, but leaving the empty feeling in our chests that could never be filled with Sasuke's absence. _

_"Time is up. We're going." _

_Kakashi stood up and turned signaling us to follow him. He'd been behaving awkward like this for the whole mission. Not talking, long walks, short breaks. And his darn porn book. _

_"Wait for me!" _

_Naruto yelled after us, as he was spooning ramen fast in his mouth and running haphazardly behind us with a plastic cup in his hands. That had been Sai's ramen. _

_I was glad that in five hours we would finally reach the Sand Village as I was thoroughly worn-out after three days of travelling. No one was talkative at the moment and there was nothing else for distraction. Only bad train of thoughts… _

_If we all hadn't been so terribly tired and occupied with our own problems we would've never missed the snap of a twig._

_Suddenly there came out of nowhere a kunai that had been aimed at me. The breath was knocked out of me as I was suddenly pushed away from the road. Astounded I fell on my stomach on the dirty grass and was about to hit the one – who'd thrown me so mercilessly away – badly up . I looked up and saw Kakashi standing next to me, looking at five masked people who were standing at the other side of the road. I saw the kunai lying uselessly on the ground, understanding now why I'd been pushed so roughly away. _

_How could I've been so terribly distracted? _

_I cursed under my breath. _

_"The scroll. Hand it over to us," one of the masked man grounded out to us. _

_"Hmpf, never!" Naruto said loudly as always, ready to fight. Soon we were involved in a heated fight with the other five men. We quickly gained the advantage over them as three were knocked out leaving only two._

_"You can still flee away and save your lives," Sai threatened aiming a kunai at the leader of the group. _

_In response he snickered, catching me off guard while I'd been inspecting a knocked out man. I didn't note him grabbing my kunai from my waist pocket, but I was too late as I suddenly felt movement behind me. I was about to gave him a stump in his stomach, collecting chakra in my fist when I felt another presence behind me and then felt a few spatters of blood on my face._

_Stunned I swirled around, just in time to see the masked man falling on the ground again and Kakashi standing rigid there with a bloodied hand. My kunai was now stuck in the man's forehead. The other four disappeared quickly again but Naruto wouldn't let them go as he chased after them, Sai coming along._

_I knew this man was dead now. I didn't felt gratitude for Kakashi though._

_"You idiot, what in the hell do you think you were doing?!" _

_Angrily I grabbed his arm with the injured hand. He tried to shake my grip off, but that only worked against him._

_"You know I could've handled him by myself. Do you think you're cool by injuring yourself in order to save me?" _

_I healed him despite his protests, my anger gradually ebbing away. He remained standing there stiffly while I put more chakra onto the wound than was actually necessary. _

_"Why did you do that? _Why_?" I then asked, softer._

_"Because."_

_Confused and a little angry at his simple response I stared back at him, urging him to give me a comprehending answer. He sighed, looking me in the eye finally._

_"Because of you... I didn't want to lose a companion... and a good friend."_

_I still couldn't understand why he'd acted so carelessly, I was about to give him a good lecture when I was suddenly interrupted._

_"Hey! Kaka-sensei! Sakura-chan!" Naruto and Sai emerged from the bushes and I was glad they were finally there as I cast a sideways glance at our leader. _

_"I guess we should be leaving then," he said lightly._

_– _

_"Because."_

_"Because of you... _"

The utter realization of knowing finally that it was because of me – my love for Sasuke – that had drown this line, this distance between us came hard. It took my breath away as my heartbeat skipped a beat. There was no way it could be true, and still I knew that this had been the answer to all my questions. Had known it all along but had always banned the mere thought of it from my mind, thinking it couldn't be true.

But it was true to my dismay.

As if I'd been suddenly bitten by a pivot I retreated a step, my brows twitched. The first and only thought that came into my mind was that I'd to get away from this man.

My former sensei.

The man who loved me.

The one who didn't want another one but me.

Before another thought could enter my mind, make me change my mind, I turned hastily, seeing the sense of rejection flowing off of his body and face. I wanted to run away from him now, but I couldn't. It was as if I'd been nailed to the ground. I _had_ to say something, I knew, even if it was just one word. Only to make him understand that this wasn't a rejection. I could never reject anything of him.

Never.

I turned my head a little, just not enough to look at him, but indicate that these words were meant to his ears only.

"If you'd told it me sooner then things could've been different."

Finally I turned, seeing his only visible eye brow lowered, not wanting to comprehend the meaning of my words. Staring at him, facing the fact eventually what really was _– _had been for the whole time since I'd matured _– _between us, I could only form two words with my mouth, unable to say them aloud.

"Only if."

For fear of him stopping me or actually moreover for the fear of me staying there with him, eventually giving in, I fled away from him.

With a haze of tears in my eyes I made my way trough the crowd of enjoying and dancing people. Kakashi was still standing there and I was disappointed but relieved at the same time that he hadn't been so wise to follow me. I felt that I would melt down to his feet in a puddle if he would say anything to me or if he would just look at me…

That was why I _had_ to get away from him now.

I couldn't be in love with him. No, no… NO!

I loved – I love Sasuke! I've always loved him… I couldn't leave him even if I wanted to. He was my life… I'd always lived for him… he was my _life _for god's sake. How could I even think of loving another? It was just terribly wrong.

I stopped suddenly, not holding it out anymore and turning around to spot Kakashi. I was astounded to see him in the company of no one else but Anko. How could he…?

They were both leaving the party too it seemed to be. He seemed to be too drunk to move by himself but wasn't accepting her support either. Would I have the guts to follow my former sensei and Anko? Was she going to be another to add on his list of one-night-stands? Or was she the true one for him?

My curiosity won eventually and I followed them through the narrow and scarcely lit alleys. I didn't want to believe it, but it was hard to overlook it. They both entered a flat and they didn't come out of it after fifteen minutes. I hated myself for spying on them. I despised myself for doing so as I finally left. The stars in the sky were the only ones keeping me company in the deserted streets.

I felt cold as I entered my apartment, wanting to do nothing but sleep with my sorrow, with my dried eyes. I wanted to cry, but couldn't – didn't. I'd prohibited myself a long time ago to never cry again. Not even for _him_.

"Where have you been for such a long time?"

I was still in shock from his sudden voice as I felt his arms snake around my slim waist, his breath on my ear.

"Sasuke! Don't fright me ever like this again!" I whispered hoarsely as I sighed.

He didn't answer me, but started to nip slowly at my bare shoulder.

"Sasuke…"

I didn't want this now, not now. Not when I was confused. But he mistook it for a moan elicited from excitement. He steered me to the bedroom and I let him do everything with me as he wished. I felt hollow as he entered me. Even the pain was blocked out as he took my virginity. He didn't even notice that he was the only one who got an orgasm. I lay under him, unfulfilled and feeling dirty.

It felt like cheating on him, something I'd never wanted to do.

_"Do you wanna bet that someday soon you are gonna fuck someone else while having an affaire with Sasuke-kun?" _

Out of nowhere I suddenly remembered Ino's statement again. I stared at Sasuke as I was still laying there in the same position when he'd pulled out of me five minutes ago. His breathing was even and I concluded thad he had probably fallen asleep from exhaustion.

It had been a long awful day.

I needed a shower. Had to get this – Sasuke's smell of his orgasm and sweat off of me slipping quietly off of the large bed.

I locked the door of the bathroom behind me, finally feeling a little better now that I was alone.

I dared to take a breath but it was caught up in my throat as I stared at the mirror in front of me, seeing someone else than me.

_Kakashi. _

* * *

_La Fin_

* * *

Okay, there will be a sequel to this, so beware KakaSaku fans!!! I hope to update a sequel to this in a month. Suggestions and comments are of course appreciated! 

Thanx for reading and leaving a review!

Love,

Sery


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